What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 06:11
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
How do you perform a lap dance for your boyfriend or husband?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why cant I motivate myself to go to school (grade 10)?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She married twice! .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So, i spoilt her more .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When she asked me how she looked .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it wasn’t much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
All the time i was locked up.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She loved him until the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot live in the past .
She was in good health!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I don,t even have a pension.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My family never makes their pension either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
I waited trembling.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I said to her
Who then, do I blame.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was scared of men, in general
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i lived it daily.
Would this be the day?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Comes on , in middle age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
Ive learnt so much.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were not on the streets..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.